Who to turn to when we have no-one

Any social situation would feel awkward when you don't really have any close friends there with you, but without any friends; you cant really isolate yourself from reality. You can try hiding, not socializing, or even sitting in the back of a lecture hall or  away from anyone you know just so nobody talks to you. I live on my own, in a large spacious studio flat, which I was moved into when my flat mates found it almost over bearing to deal with my mental health. To be fair, if I was placed in a position in which I had to deal with myself, I wouldn't be able to cope with it neither.

It's awful being so isolated, spending the whole weekend in your room and then coming Monday realizing you haven't even unlocked it since Friday. But why would I need to? I have everything in one space, my en-suite bathroom, my kitchen. Nobody can go out everyday. It often have that overwhelming feeling of it driving me insane, most people would go out, but when you're suffering from depression, it can be difficult finding the motivation, or that push to actually get yourself out of bed. 

Despite wanting to stay in most weekends, I've broadened myself, and I've started going out more. Or, whenever I can, really. But in my spare time, I'm not socializing, doing work, etc. I'm sat in my room going over how I could end everything, how I could hurt my body more and more without really caring. It's difficult getting out of that thinking pattern though. When death seems to be the only thing on your mind. Were often told surrounding ourselves with friends, and doing sports will make us feel better and improve our mental health, but it all seems pointless. Especially if you're on a run and you get distracted by a river that you could jump into. Or when you hit a really busy road and you could just jump up in front. 

However, how would the driver feel? My previous therapist expressed how selfish of me it would be if I were to jump in front of a car, how the person driving would feel, what if they were to crash to? What if I didn't die and someone else got seriously injured? - I'm a heartless bitch for saying this, but I love the rush of running in busy traffic, crossing busy roads in hope a car would hit me. Or learning to drive, so I could use car fumes to end everything. 

That quotes true 'Nobody really cares until something dramatic happens' - But I've learnt to deal without having anyone, being isolated, and trapping myself between four walls. I'm not sure what difference it would make to actually have that tight group of friends, without feeling like an outsider, but I guess I'll never know. I can't cope with this, and I need a way to escape. But with every suicide attempt, I seem to have been failing, but that won't stop me, I'm going to keep going.