May 19, an entry I was dreading to do, didn't think I would need to, but I'm lost without anyone else to really turn to. Today is the day I turn 19 an age I thought I'd never make, several suicide attempts, wrists torn down to shreds, constant agony. I spent the first few three hours bawling my eyes out, unable to stop, but I question myself as to why. Why I felt so numb? Why could I not feel anything? Why am I still alive? - I've been battling the urge to not overdose all day, my body hates me for all the pills I've pushed into it.
Now, when I try and overdose, it immediately rejects, the thought of overdosing makes my stomach turn, but head and body refuse to work together, how can I battle with both? When ones telling me to die, and the other's telling me not to. It's an on-going conflicting argument of which I can no longer deal with.
I'm in so much pain and I have nobody to turn to, my girl friends rejected me, but in the worst way possible, by ignoring me. How could I possibly be filled with so much love for her? But at the same time so much hatred. I thought she loved me, but I'm constantly kidding myself, how can someone who thinks cigarettes are more important than seeing there girl friend, be truly in love? But I love her, I love her more than I love anything/anyone else, but I'm tired of being the one who has to start conversations, the one who puts the effort in constantly when it comes to visiting her. I hate myself sometimes for loving her too much, but I'm afraid I can't let go.
I remember when I was an awful lot younger, on May 19, I had done something by accident, the punishment I received then and there was what I deserved, and you know what the craziest thing out of all of this is? - I miss being hurt by someone else, because it's what I crave. Years of torture has left me addicted, I'm used to people hurting me now, even when I cry, I ask for more, because it's what I deserve. Since they stopped, I started doing it to myself.
Punishing myself for everything and it was because I deserved it, deserved it more than anything else. But I hate myself for it, at times I would ligature, bang my head repetitively against a cupboard and cut, deeper and deeper, the deeper I went the more reward I gained, the more self punishment I earned. People can't read this and not think there is something wrong with me, there is.
Borderline Personality Disorder, what an awful thing to have, how it controls you, more than you control it. Triggers for me was trauma, abuse, rape, threats, the list goes on. I don't want to bore you all with the gruesome details of what actually happened. I was able to repress these thoughts, until therapy decided to come along and bring them back out in the open. I quite liked the fact that they were hidden away so deep inside my mind, there was a reason for that.
It's time for me to go now, forever, I wish I could stop my heart from beating, I wish I could end the pain and the misery, it's time, I've finally been able to gain the courage to engage in more destructive behaviors, this overdose may not kill me, but then it may, and if it does, it would be a beautiful accident.
